Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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