i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
