I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
