ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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