I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
