I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
