I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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