it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
