If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
nutella sex= disaster
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
