broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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