I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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