you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
