Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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