6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
