I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
