saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
