So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
