I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
