You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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