i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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