i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
