I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
