you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
