shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
