I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
