I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
