fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
