It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
