Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
