My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
