Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
