so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
