I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
