This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
