My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
