we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
