This dress was meant to end up on your floor
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
