Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
