did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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