JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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