grandma shit on top of the toilet
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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