I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
