I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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