I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
