Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
