I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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