awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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