I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
