I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
