That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
