so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
